life's such a movie. filmed independent.

"Every tone of voice a lie. Every gesture false. Every smile a grimace. Commit suicide? That’s unthinkable. You don’t do things like that. But you can refuse to move and be silent. Then, at least, you’re not lying.You can shut yourself in, shut out the world. Then you don’t have to play any roles, show any faces, make false gestures. You’d think so…but reality is diabolical. Your hiding-place isn’t watertight. Life trickles in everywhere. You’re forced to react. Nobody asks if it’s real or not, if you’re honest or a liar. That’s only important at the theater, perhaps not even there. I understand why you’re silent, why you don’t move. Your lifelessness has become a fantastic part. I understand and I admire you." 
Ingmar Bergman

i'll write you a postcard i'll send you the news

1. i might actually look like i have gotten a life after not touching this blog for some time. but that is not true. mainly because i had a life before that and i have a life now, i'm life-full like that. during my disappearance i managed to:
a) exacerbate some of my silly short time obsessions for girls with short hair, hi-tops, korean dramas and oddly shaped pancakes.
b) sing kelis' milkshake, the revised edition:
my whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of males to my residence and/or employment,

and it far surpasses that of yours
absolutely, it surpasses yours
i can convey to you the recipe, but i have to demand compensation

c) find the truest most honest definition of a relationship: "being in a relationship is like swimming because like sometimes is fun and perfect but sometimes you hit your head on rocks and your corpse washes up six weeks later in a different hemisphere". since I don't even know how to swim, I have to be even more careful. i have to watch myself like a hawk. 

2. i stayed in bed a lot, like two entire days in a row, which is very unusual for me. but charles bukowski told me it's ok: "The best thing about the bedroom was the bed. I liked to stay in bed for hours, even during the day, with covers pulled up to my chin. it was good in there, nothing ever occurred in there, no people, nothing." yeah, distraction does favor all the overrated.

3. i drew, apart from pretty girls and the occasional cat, my plans for the summer. i want it to be extraordinary, unlike soup, which is very ordinary.

4. i discovered i suffer from a condition called l'esprit de l'escalier: that feeling you get when you leave a conversation and think about all the things you should have said. i totally have that. you tell me the difference and i'll tell you the same.

5. i fell in love and/or awe with Andre De Dienes, Bill Henson, Maurizion Marcato, Cesar Santos, Chadwick Tyler and Christopher Micaud. oh, and Egon Schiele. 

6. the most important thing though, i got shot through the heart and it was amazing. could the world make any more sense?

profoundly selfish

In May of 1948, author Ayn Rand received a letter from a fan named Joanne Rondeau. In it, she asked Rand to explain a sentence in her bestselling 1943 novel, The Fountainhead, which reads:

To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I'.

Rand responded with the following letter.

May 22, 1948

Dear Ms. Rondeau:

You asked me to explain the meaning of my sentence in The Fountainhead: "To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I."

The meaning of that sentence is contained in the whole of The Fountainhead. And it is stated right in the speech on page 400 from which you took the sentence. The meaning of the "I" is an independent, self-sufficient entity that does not exist for the sake of any other person.

A person who exists only for the sake of his loved one is not an independent entity, but a spiritual parasite. The love of a parasite is worth nothing.

The usual (and very vicious) nonsense preached on the subject of love claims that love is self-sacrifice. A man's self is his spirit. If one sacrifices his spirit, who or what is left to feel the love? True love is profoundly selfish, in the noblest meaning of the word — it is an expression of one's highest values. When a person is in love, he seeks his own happiness — and not his sacrifice to the loved one. And the loved one would be a monster if she wanted or expected such sacrifice.

Any person who wants to live for others — for one sweetheart or for the whole of mankind — is a selfless nonentity. An independent "I" is a person who exists for his own sake. Such a person does not make any vicious pretense of self-sacrifice and does not demand it from the person he loves. Which is the only way to be in love and the only form of a self-respecting relationship between two people.

Ayn Rand

my lemon-curd-and-honey vision just got darker

Adaptat după o povestire de-a lui Patrick McGrath, The Lost Explorer, debutul în cinematografie al lui Tim Walker se învîrte oarecum în jurul aceleiași teme discutate în The Poll Diaries, de Chris Kraus. Coming of age-ul unei tinere fete care intră în contact cu un străin pe care-l ține secret de familie. La Walker avem imagini mai frumoase, scene atît de concentrate că-ți vine să-ți ții respirația, să nu pierzi nimic (nu degeaba e unul dintre cei mai renumiți fotografi de modă din lume), în vreme ce la Kraus o avem pe Paula Beer, care-i senzațională, și o consistență care-ți dă o anume familiaritate și, nu știu, plăcere de a sta două ore încheiate cu ochii pironiți pe ecran. Ah, și un final (oarecum) neașteptat.

i write notes but don't pass them around

much of life is trying to make sense of life. we do that through attempting to express our experiences and then evaluating it to see whether they ring true. we normally need another person to hear our attempt so that we can hear it ourselves. often we don't ask for a problem solver, because we need a listener, one who lets the other friend tell the story, and have the imagination to be with them in it.

oh, and yeah, don't expect people to actually be like the above description all the time. expectations are like limitations (no, that was not supposed to rhyme). they limit you to this notion of having to reach or exceed a certain point, they limit you to thinking that's the next step, that's how you should be thinking or that's how people should be when they're in relation to you, interacting and stuff. all you need to do is better yourself, not other people's thoughts, or lack of.

ok, that did not make any sense in writing and i sound like i'm trying to be philosophical, i will go eat now. or something. 

i usually solve problems by letting them devour me

I keep waking up in the middle of the night not having a clue where i am, but then I leave the house and apparently my name is ‘mate’ and I know where I am.

i'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house

frozen branches in the sunlight. baby martin scorseze pretending to smoke a pipe. finding a beautiful place and getting lost. the fact is, you make me feel a lot more than you know. mimetical metaphor. margarita georgiadis. big wait for it chocolate. skinny jeans. the following preview will retell the entire movie and probably spoil the whole experience. tiny tattoos. woody allen complete prose. mucking around. someone i loved once gave me a box full of darkness it took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. drawing catsornothing. my biggest pet peeve is bad grammar is this the life i hoped i'd have. looks like some butter woke up at the wrong side of the bread. see. if you died, i would go through hell to bring you back, that would be easy, i'm not sure how to deal with us just drifting apart. moleskines diaries. laurie lipton. waking up. destricted. sleeping in. making eye contact with stranger, imagining life together. my dad the metahipster. paper cuts. laughing out loud. running around. waiting for friday.